I'm a serial Vacuum Cleaner killer.

I confess...I've murdered more vacuum cleaners than any man alive.

I get a brand new vacuum, and it works! It actually sucks stuff up! Amazing!

Two weeks later, it only manages to do some kind of snuffling stuff up.

After six months of diminishing snuffling, I give up and buy a new vacuum.


I've tried every kind of vacuum cleaner--big and small, simple and complicated, upright and canister, cheap and expensive. It doesn't seem to matter. I kill them.

I've tried threatening my employees. "If any of you suck up a carpet thread and murder this vacuum cleaner, I'll...I'll...Kill You."

Then, of course, I get an apologetic look when I come in the door and they tell me the vacuum cleaner isn't working and, "I don't know why."

Notice, I don't threaten to fire them, because then I'd have to follow through, right? So I back off my murder threat and sigh and buy a new vacuum cleaner.

The time before last, I decided to buy a high quality, expensive vacuum. It had a bunch of doodads attached, most of which I was never going to use. But I think it took an engineering degree to use the wand. I figured it out once, almost by accident, but could never get it to work a second time. I'd think I was completely stupid, but neither of my bright young employees ever did figure out how to use it.

Last time, I bought an average vacuum cleaner, thinking maybe I was over-thinking it.

Nope, died in three months. Just stopped working.

So last week I went out and bought a $49.99 vacuum cleaner. That's going to be it from now on. A few of those a year, I figure. I'll just have to figure out a way to ditch the bodies.

Now if Linda would just stop murdering her printers....