Crazy Ambitious

Well, maybe not ambitious, per se. But I have soooooooooooo many projects I want to finish.

So I'm trying to write two books at the same time.

The first book is my November Book Month book, which I decided on a whim. I even changed what book I was planning to write at the last moment. If you go to my Book Month Page, I have the title Snaked.

I've ignored the Book Month stuff, and I'm just doing it on my own.

The new title is I Live Among You, and it's written in first person, and the tag line is: "When the Devil is your client, you've got trouble."

Basically a serial killer P.I. is hired by the Devil to fight a extra-dimensional invasion. (Cthulhu.)

I'm writing it for fun, just letting anything come to my head -- so far, Linda seems particularly fond of this story, so I'm hoping that will continue.

At the same time, I'm writing my third Virginia Reed novel.

The hard part is getting into the separate fictional dreamscapes. What I'm doing is writing I Live Among You first thing in the morning, no later than noon.

Then I take several hours off, at least three but preferably five or more. I do something completely outside of writing -- errands, sorting books at the Bookmark.  Then around 3:00 or 4:00 I drive out the the Badlands, which gives me a nice psychic break, and get started.

I must admit, it's hard to do. I've managed it for two days.

Question is -- is it better to keep each story fresh by writing no more than 2000 words each, or would it be better to stick to one book, but write more words?

Not sure yet.  See how today goes.

The story exists, as it exists.

Sometimes I write a book and I get it right.

Sometimes I write a book, I get it wrong, but I can fix it.

Sometimes I write a book, I get it wrong, and I can't fix it.

First of all, let me say, I'm very open to critique and to changing my story. I accept about 95% of editorial suggestions, especially all the smaller stuff.

But sometimes the suggested change is so fundamental to the nature of the story that it can't be done without changing the story so much it falls apart.

That doesn't mean the suggested change is wrong, only that I can't do it. Every time I've had one of these core changes, the whole thing has fallen apart. It has become a quagmire of changes, confusing, unworkable. It's take one piece out of the base of the puzzle and having it all come toppling down.

Here's where I might have some fundamental disagreement with other writers, especially those who view writing as a mechanistic process, who believe there are formulas.

Not to get all mystic on you, but I think of it this way. The story I write comes from some sort of extra dimension where it already exists.

Now there is a certain Schrodinger Cat aspect to these stories, and thus the details can be changed, some of the sequences can be changed, characters can change their looks and attitude, the background might shift and so so on. I can add or subtract elements.

But the fundamentals that come to me are usually locked in. That there is a certain built in story that can't be changed.

And sometimes other people find that story to be boring, or confusing, or just not working.

Here's the thing. They may be right, but I can't do anything about it. I have learned that if you have several independent readers come to the exact same conclusion, they are probably right.

A good example is the first chapter of my "100 Kickass Pages." Nobody liked it. One reader said it was so bad, he didn't want to tell me.  That bad.

But...it is the beginning of the story, no getting away from it. The characters introduced, the circumstances -- are the whole basis for the book.

I added a few things, tried to make the two protagonists motivations more believable, and so on, but fundamentally, the chapter didn't work.

But I thought it did.

So I did what I could, wrote the other 95 pages, and sent it off.

If it is a dealbreaker, I'm NOT going to try to fix it. I'll move on. I've learned that trying to fix one of these fundamental "Truths," if you will, negates the whole story. I'm better off just accepting the truth that this isn't a story that people like (not that it isn't the real story, just that people don't like it.)

Use up my chances.

I got confirmation that the agent got the "100 kickass pages" and will read it ASAP.

Makes me nervous. I do hate rejection, and I figure that's most likely, and why do I subject myself?

What really opened the writing floodgates for me a few years ago was the idea that I could just write what I wanted, when I wanted. No one to say no.

So why am I doing this?

Mostly, because I'm horrible at promoting myself, and if you don't promote yourself, nothing happens without a publisher.

Also,  I'm going straight to the top with this -- a big-time agent as well as the "executive editor" of a major publisher, so no rejections by underlings (where I'm betting most rejections take place.)

And they seem well-disposed toward me, at least the editor is, so I'm hoping they'll see the potential.

If this doesn't go, I'll accept the verdict and publish it myself. And try to come up with another "mainstream"  idea.

I figure I probably have about 3 chances with these guys, and I may as well use them up.

I know some writers advise that I keep submitting, but without an agent, most places won't look at it, and I've already tried multiple times to get an agent with Led to the Slaughter and had the doors slammed in my face pretty resoundingly. (I'm still somewhat puzzled by this...)

So I'm not going there. I'm only doing this because the opportunity came out of nowhere. 

I guess, in that sense, nothing gained and nothing lost.

All right, you slackers!

It's probably silly for me to be doing the November Novel Writing Month.

I've written a number of books in the allotted time. I'm a pretty dedicated full-time writer these days. It isn't really a hobby.

Still, a little extra motivation never hurts.

My goal is to get the 2000 to 2500 a day of the new story out of the way as quickly as possible. And then start my day job, which is writing ANOTHER novel!

Heh.

Fixed what I could.

All right.

I wrote a flash-forward prologue that is all action.

I moved some chapters around, not introducing the third thread until further into the book so there aren't so many characters coming at the reader all at once.

I've strengthened the motives of two of the main characters.

I put one character's chapter at the very end of part one.

I addressed all the smaller concerns -- mis-named characters, etc.

So...I think it's stronger. Maybe not kickass, but enough that if the agent/publishers are willing to give me the benefit of the doubt and trust the book will be stronger by the end, they would be willing to take it.

If they don't have goodwill toward me, I'm probably out of luck anyway. There are almost as many disadvantages as there are advantages to dealing with the mainstream, so I'm not going to freak out about it.

The book is everything.

"It's a Trap!"

So I've made this a choice between sending off a proposal that may only be half as good as the final book will be.

Or to take a few months to research and write the final book.

The first choice risks that the agent/publisher will reject me based on something that might be better in the future.

The second choice is that I'll spend months on a book and this opportunity will fade. There is a timing to these things -- these guys seem ready for me now. Plus, I really do have other books that I feel like I need to finish first.

As in all things, I'm going to compromise.

I will take another week to ten days to try to get the 100 pages better.

As in all things, the closer a "deadline" comes, the easier it seems to be to extend it. When I set the deadline two weeks ago, it seemed twice as long as it needed to be. (I had the proposal written in the first week.)

Now that the deadline is actually here, waiting  another 10 days doesn't seem so bad.

The agent has told me he'll be happy with a "rough" proposal. But my immediate instincts are, "It's a Trap!"

This is just one of many possibilities for this agent -- easy for him to say that. But it's probably the one chance I'll have to make an initial impression, so I'd best be patient.

So I'm going to work on these 100 pages for a while longer. Maybe continue to write the book because often the later pages can influence the earlier pages.

And then send it off and get to work on The Darkness You Fear, as well as my November Novel Writing project, Snaked.

It ain't done until it's done.

I've mentioned before that I'm not really an outline writer; I discover the story through writing.

That probably goes double with trying to come up with a proposal.

I believe that a book should be judged by it's final version, that every version before that will probably be lacking, more or less. Often I come up with some of the best bits in a book at the last moment, sometimes I finalize the "voice" in the final version, making it consistent all the way through the book.

So this proposal I've come up with for the mainstream publisher is probably no better than half as good as it will end up being.

In other words, the "100 Kickass pages" isn't really possible for me.

My instincts are, given the current version, that the final book will be just fine, but it won't look fine until it's done.

So why don't I write the complete book and then send it off?  Because my intuition is that I don't have that much time. Plus, I have other commitments.

On the other hand, I might be burning bridges by sending something off that is not as good as it will be.

I'm going to work on this for the next few days, and then decide what to do.

Why mess with those guys?

A friend asked me, basically, why I'm even messing with the mainstream publishers, telling me that the path I've been on has been fruitful, and that I need to watch out.

I'm aware of the dangers. I have the same concerns.

Thing is, they came to me. Out of the blue. I'm being given the opportunity to skip all the preliminaries and going straight to the top, to the people who actually make the final decisions. (Someday, when all this has played out, I'll tell the whole story -- the bright opening, the slow responses, the opened door, and ... well, we'll see...)

So a door opened, and I just figured I'd be foolish to not at least poke my head in the door.

Truth is, though, that I'm almost too quirky for even the small publishers. I decided when I started writing that I would write what I want to write without regard to what others are looking for. Which means I have several books that seem not to fit anyone's categories.

This thriller I'm writing is right up my alley though. I mostly read thrillers and suspense these days. So the idea isn't foreign to me. But it is a challenge, and I'm not sure I'm up to it. That's not putting myself down. I think I'm a decent writer for what I do. This is just a harder hill to climb.

The biggest danger, as I've mentioned before, is being jerked around. (Again, easy for them to suggest constant changes with the attitude that maybe I'll produce something magical). My past experience has made me leery of that. Someone pointed out to me, once they've rejected you -- it becomes almost impossible for them to accept you, no matter how encouraging they sound.

So really, I want an acceptance or nothing at all.

I will have to have the courage to walk away.

But I think, because it isn't something I sought but something that came to me, because it is a bonus, and extra, that I might be able to say, "Thanks but no thanks."

Even if my proposal is accepted as is, and I'm totally aware the odds are low, (it doesn't cost them anything to dangle the possibilities in front of me), I'm going to tell them that it will be the first of the year before I can really get going, because I want to finish The Darkness You Fear and Snaked first.

Bottom line, I've got to do this on my own terms. I'm too old the play the game.



P.S. I do have the store as an example. About midway through my career I realized that I was neither making money nor having fun. Since I couldn't do much about the money part, I chose to make the store more pleasant.

I took a hit on earnings for a few years, but when the store built back up again, it was on my terms. And that has made all the difference. 

More Limpass than Kickass?

Read the first 20 pages of my "kickass 100 pages" at writer's group and, well -- they didn't kickass.

I asked for it. And they told me.

So back to the drawing board.



Slept on it. I think I can punch it up a little by starting with an action scene from toward the end of the book, and then flashing back.

If I change the order of chapters a little after that, and try to tighten them up, I should be able to get across what I'm trying to do.

I've always thought this book would benefit from research, but I'm not going to do the research without a contract, and maybe I can't get the contract without the benefit of research.

So it may not happen.

I just keep telling myself that's OK. This isn't my kind of book, ordinarily. I gave it a shot, but in some ways it would be a relief to go back to my previous way of doing things.

I still think the book is a good idea though. But if they can't see that...

The "Hot Hand."

For years, I've been touting the fact that there is no such thing as the "hot hand." No such thing as the "zone" that athletes talk about. It's an illusion.

That "career years" and "streaks" get rounded out by statistics.

Turns out, there is some doubt now about those studies. A mathematical error I don't understand.

So maybe there is such a thing as the baseball looking like a basketball to a baseball hitter, a hoop looking five feet wide after all.

Why did I tout this? Even though my intuition and instincts seem to tell me something different?

I think it was a way for me to reinforce persistence as the  most important attribute in any enterprise. The race doesn't always go to the swiftest, the smartest, the whatever, but to the guy who hangs in there, keeps trying, working, learning.

If you do it long enough, the statistics even out -- you'll have the "hot" month or year, just by an average result.

So for instance, my feeling was that if I wrote 30 books and they were consistently strong efforts, that statistically one of them would be "hot" just through the law of averages.

So now what?

Well, it doesn't make much difference, once I think about it.

It just means that if I write 30 books, that at some point along the way, I'll have a "hot hand." The same persistence applies. Heh.

Or it just proves I'm going to do what I'm going to do and I'll rationalize the reasons later. 

Nice to have choices.

Taking another full day off before diving in to the re-writing of the "100 Kickass pages."

I started to feel the grind lift a little yesterday, and realized I need that. I need to put the whole enterprise in perspective.

It's a flyer and need to remember it's a flyer. It isn't that big of a deal, one way or another.

Meanwhile, I need to get on with things. I had a nice little plan of getting a book out every four or five months, and thought Tuskers III was going to do that. I thought The Darkness You Fear would come four or five months after that.

But because of the publisher reboot of going into distribution, Tuskers III will be delayed at least six months.

I'm trying to decide if I want to go ahead and publish The Last Fedora: The Gangster Golem Chronicles myself. I love this book, but it doesn't seem fit into a nice genre category. I already have the editing done, and the cover is complete. There is nothing keeping me from putting it out. 

I'm going to sleep on it for a week or two, but I might very well do it.

I have a plethora of projects I want to finish, but I always want to leave the door open to new stories as well. Nice to have a choice though.

Creative without an ulterior motive.

JOURNAL: 10/25/15.

I've been fussing and fretting way too much.

Today is going to be a worry free day. To hell with it. In fact, I'm going to read a book. Yes, that's what I'm going to do. Pick a nice book and read it.

Mow the lawn, go for a walk, watch the Sunday shows. 

But no thinking about my writing. I've worked through all the ramifications, I've a pretty good idea of what's going on and what my reaction will be. Any more fussing, and I'm just churning over the same thoughts.

I enjoyed writing a poem yesterday. Poems are pure inspiration, tapping into the creative part of myself without any regard to results. Because generally, the only one who will read my poem is myself. That is, the joy is in the creating.

I'd like to do more of this. Remember that I can be creative without an ulterior motive.

 

RED ROAD

Sitting high on a red rock road,

Distant traffic on the highway below

Curves cut by trees, and pebbles rolling,

Down a gentle but persistent slope,

Here where no one else has been,

Or will be, at this moment.

Silence, but for a high away plane,

The wind low and sweet.

I doubt myself and my writing,

But my words are what they are,

The story is as the story,

And my job to get out of the way.

The art of the moment,

The words of today,

The musings for tomorrow,

Gone yesterday.

It’s what I’ve always wanted,

Fulfilled as what it is,

A gentle, persistent warning,

Not to stay dormant.

To live on a red rock road,

Distant from these worries,

Set apart from the world,

A land of my blessed own.

Personal scales.

I've always made up personal scales to gauge my writing. I don't know if they bear any relation to reality, but they are useful tool for me to feel like I'm making progress.

So when I started writing this time, this was my scale:

1-4. Better off doing something else.
5. Minimum necessary to continue writing.
6. There's something there, but pretty amateurish.
7. Worth reading. Something that is pretty close to competent.
8. A book worth publishing.
9. A good book.
10. A classic.

Now the later numbers shift into a more of a kind of logarithmic scale. So the difference between a 7.5 is higher than the difference between 6 and a 7, and so on. A 7.8 is higher than the previous difference, and so on.

So I felt when I started this time around that I was probably a 6.5 to start with, because of my previous experience with writing. (Back in the 80's before I took classes and wrote a lot, I was probably a 5.)

Now, looking back, I think Led to the Slaughter went to an 8 right off the bat. I think it was a book worth publishing. At the time I published it, I probably thought it was a 7.5, so I admit I've been influenced by the reaction to it. I think Tuskers is a good solid 8.

If you think that's being hard on myself ("What, you don't think you wrote a good book?") my definition of a "good" book is a high one. It's the book that everyone just has to tell everyone else is a good book, the kind that best-sellers are made of, and so on. Classics are on another level altogether.

So, anyway, put that to one side.

Lately, I've been trying to gauge the effectiveness of rewriting.

Most of my stories comes together in the first draft. My feeling is, if I don't get at least 70% of the way there in the first draft, I probably don't have a book worth pursuing.

So assuming that I get 70% of the way to a competent book, I can get to 80% of the way there by paying mindful attention, making sure it all works.

So how do I get to the final 20%?

I have to spend at least as much effort as the first 80% -- and take about the same amount of time.

The arduous task of rewriting, of sending it to an editor, and then rewriting again.

All for just 20% of the result.

But on a Five Star Review system, 20% is the difference between a 4 Star and a 5 start. More importantly, it's the difference between a 3 Star and a 4 Star, and most importantly of all, it's the difference between a 2 Star and a 3 Star.  (Any less than a 3 Star -- I get it, you don't like me.)

It's hard when you know that you're 80% of the way there for half the effort, but I told myself I would make the extra effort this time, and I think it's the right thing to do. These books are going to be out there with my name on them forever, so taking the extra times makes sense.

Again, these are personal scales -- something I use to try to improve. I don't know if they are real or not, but they seem to work to motivate me.

Most important thing is to keep writing.

My goal is to finish up the first draft my mainstream book proposal, the "100 kickass pages," today or tomorrow. I have one chapter left to write, then a rough outline.

Then spend the next eight days getting it edited and doing a quick rewrite.

Finally, send it off and try to forget about it.

Whatever happens, I'm good with it. As I keep saying, I'm happy with the ways things are going. This whole mainstreamy thing could be an overreach and disruptive.

I want to be careful about that.

I'll accept whatever happens.

Another word for patience is Limbo..

So I expected to succeed or fail, but it seems that more often than not I'm in some sort of Limbo.

In my previous writing career I used to call it "Sending it into the Void." Long, long waits for tiny responses. Six months, a year, even a couple of years. It wasn't flat rejection, in fact the publishers would even say that, "Be encouraged! We're still considering it!"

Or "This book would be improved if you do..." this and that. And since they were editors at the top of the pyramid who were telling me these things, I would rewrite to their suggestions and send it back...and then have to wait another six months, a year, even a couple of years.

It was like I was being punished for being almost good enough.

So I'm leery of the "almost" limbo state.

The last editor I dealt with said this: "If your next book is as good as this I'll publish both."

So I wrote the next book, and he said: "This book is better, but I've decided not to publish both."

Now in hindsight I can see that I was at the door, that I was close. Everything I read later told me that getting letters back from editor-in-chiefs was a rare thing. But it was too late, I'd gone on with my life. I was on to running my store and having a family, full time jobs. I put off writing for 25 years.

So when I came back to writing I felt freed by the idea that I could just publish myself. No waiting, no approval necessary. Just do it.

And then...I started getting a little bit of response from the small publishers, which has led to other small publishers, which has led...to, I don't know.

But it has led to a sort of Limbo.

Books of the Dead seems to be in a kind of Limbo right now. They've told me they want to publish my next Virginia Reed novel, so I'm doing that. I like the idea of consistency in the look and feel of the books.

Ragnarok is making the leap into bookstore distribution, which by necessity means that everything is going to be delayed, even rebooted.

I've got another small publisher interested.

I've got another opportunity which I want to keep vague but which could be big or could be nothing, but means long, long waiting.

Nothing is keeping me from writing, but the backlog is getting bigger, because I really do work at it, and I really do produce. These novels are waiting for opportunity. Not to mention all the novels that have healthy first drafts but which I've left in....well, Limbo...while I write my more current stuff.

Nothing wrong with being patient, but I kind of liked the immediate production and feedback I was getting from the small publishers.

I don't want to do anything rash. But it appears that the alternative is...Limbo.

Being dragged into the writing business.

I'm really working hard at this folks, really hard. So much for it being a nice little hobby.

I never intended this to happen. Submitting proposals, writing books on demand, writing to meet the needs of the publishers.

But the doors open a little bit and I think, "I can't let that door close" and off I go.

In other words, I'm having just enough success to drag me in further.

Nearly done with the "100 Kickass pages" of my mainstream novel proposal. Going to give it a rewrite and a rough outline for the rest of the book, and probably a synopsis, then send it off and forget about it.

I submitted The Last Fedora to an editor I haven't dealt with before, and he rejected it because it wasn't the type of book they normally published. At the same time he told me he'd loved Tuskers and if I ever wrote another "creature" book he'd be interested. Turns out he'd written a positive review of Tuskers and I didn't even know it. So I perhaps have another publisher as a resource.

That's pretty much the hardest part, finding someone who's interested from the start, so that's pretty cool.

Amazingly, within a couple of hours I thought of a neat "creature" idea I could see myself writing, as well as a title I really like.

However, I have to finish my Virginia Reed book before I can do that. And possibly the mainstream novel after that, if anything comes of it.

I have several books done that I'm beginning to realize are neither fish nor fowl. I mean, I think they are good books, but they don't seem to fit any normal categories. I'm just sitting on them for now, to see if anything else happens.

If I establish myself enough with other books, then I can pop them out as self-published books and they have a chance of being noticed.

They are just as good as the books I've published, or may be publishing soon, but the "premises" of the books just don't seem to fit anyone's needs.

But that doesn't mean they might not fit some readers needs, I hope.

Writing the "Real" world.

Up to now, everything I've written has been genre. Fantasy, horror, historical, etc.

I was sort of amazed when I tried to write about the real world in my Vampire Evolution Trilogy and Tuskers, but there was always the genre hook, the little step outside of reality.

This mainstream book I'm writing is a genre, I suppose. Thriller type. But it is much more firmly placed in the "real" world.

There is a specific sub-culture it is placed in, for instance, the members of which will probably judge the accuracy of what I have written.

When I wrote The Death of an Immortal, I had police involved, and sure enough it was pointed out to me that I had jurisdictional problems. I didn't think it was so egregious that it couldn't pass. But I do think readers have every right to expect things to be correct.

I've avoided police procedurals, therefore. And science-fiction. And other detail specific genres. Better to take a step back or to one side, and be able to write from my imagination.

Anyway, with this new mainstream book, I've really got myself into a situation with a couple of subcultures that I'm trying to get right.

A lot could be solved if I'm allowed to set it, say, five years in the future. I can adjust the jurisdictional issues and procedural problems by explaining, basically, that things have changed. In other words, impose my impression of the real world on the actual read world.

A bit of crutch. I don't want to make it science-fiction, however. I just want a little space. Plus it will be fun to involve things like self-driving cars, drones, and other near future things -- and a gender neutral President of the U.S. heh.

I think it still works effectively as a thriller, better even, but also allows my more egrecious inaccuracies to be excused.

The book is going to require a huge amount of research and fact-checking, even so. So much so that I really kind of want my proposal to be accepted before I tackle it.

So this first draft is more or less off the top of my head, my own version of reality, with constant checking of Wiki for details and facts.

It's the kind of book I normally read, actually. So it isn't at all unfamiliar to me. So I'm having great fun with it. When I have these big bursts of inspiration, I know it's the right thing to do.

It's the premise that counts.

Writing for me isn't a matter of whether I can do it. I seem to have a lot of creative energy. It's a matter of choosing which direction I want to go. If I choose a project, I can generally finish it.

I'm learning that it really isn't the writing that counts, it's the premise.

Of course, you have to deliver on the premise, but that seems to be a given -- publishers expect you to be a competent writer, that's the starting point.

The selling point is the premise.

I think I've had some decent premises, which I'm pretty proud of. But they have limited reach. Only some people want to read about hyperintelligent wild pigs on the rampage. Only some people are interest in historical horror, with werewolves and Bigfoot and ghosts.

It's a self-limiting proposition.

There are advantages to exploring a niche, you are more likely to catch the people who like that specific premise, but there is also a built in ceiling.

On the other hand, a bigger premise, let's say vampires, isn't specific enough for reader of vampire books to want to read your book specifically.

So what I'm trying to do now is write a thriller, which has a much bigger reach, but to have a specific premise within that broader category.

I think I've done that. We'll see.

My grown-up book.

In the middle of writing, The Darkness You Fear (which was going well) I switched over to my mainstream book.

The task is to come up with "100 Kickass pages and a killer synopsis." If I can pull that off, I have some people interested who could really advance my career. (Listen to me....career. Sheesh.)

They love me and my writing, but they don't like "horror." The message I got was, that the very people I'm currently publishing with are the guys who are doing a good job of that, but that the big NYC publishers aren't really interested in the genre.

So they want a mainstream book.

Well, I've had an idea kicking around forever, and I threw it out there, and they seemed to really like it.

Once I started writing it, it just came splurging out. I'm already 50 pages in, and I have a pretty good idea of where it's going. I think it's pretty good. Fun.

Thing is -- by writing genre books I've been able to write around my weaknesses. I could have everyday, if quirky, characters, who I could at least make marginally believable. People I could relate to. Or characters from the distant past, who if I don't quite get them right, who's going to know?

Strangely, characters in distant or strange worlds are easier to make believable than characters who parallel the real world.

Grownups, if you will.

Now I'm writing a thriller, dealing with what I've always termed "Suits." Grownups who wear suits to work, who live in the world I've always avoided.

I'm 63 years old, so it may sound strange, but what the hell, I've owned a comic book store for 35 years!  I've worn a suit once in all that time, to my son Todd's wedding. It's gathering mothholes in my closet, I presume, because I've never looked at it since.

So people in officialdom, people of power, people of finance and law and government. What the fuck do I know about that?

What I know is what I read.

And yet, people are people. While I may not be getting all the details right, I do think that I'm getting the essence of their personalities. And that's the most important thing. I'm getting it better than I thought I would.

The experience of writing my genre books which are set in the current world -- Tuskers, the Vampire Evolution, Faerylander -- those have given me some confidence. To my great surprise, I found that it was actually easier for me than the fantasies I used to write.

I can take the full advantage of my rather broad if superficial knowledge of the world.

If I can't do it, I'll find out, and I won't be crushed. I think it's a pretty good book -- the thing is, it is probably going to need extensive research and fact-checking, and frankly I'm not going down that road unless the book is already accepted.

So...we'll see. If they pass, I'll know that's not a path I want to pursue. I'll go back to what I was doing, which I was perfectly happy doing.

Afraid of overreach.

I don't really like to stand out.

(Oh really? Writing in a blog every day for nine years? Owning a store? Constant Facebook posts? Writing books? Me, me, me!)

Odd statement, I'm sure. But when I was depressed, oh those so many years ago, I always felt like everyone was watching me, judging me. That was followed by years of agoraphobia, which I still have a touch of.

So my fondest desire in those years was just to fit in, you know. NOT be noticed. Walk in a crowd and be one of them.

I've never cared for riches or status. Respect yes, status who gives a fuck. Honestly don't care about possessions or wealth, but do want some security.

So in most every way that counts for me, I've been successful. After years of struggle, the business is performing well enough for me to take time off to write. My writing has resulted in books being published and more than a few people reading them. I've got the greatest wife in the world -- I still love her madly, and respect her more than ever. Todd and Toby became admirable men. My cat...well, lets not talk about that.

I don't wear any clothing that will make me stand out -- I don't even wear hats. My hair stays within unremarkable perimeters. My way of handling crowds these days is to remind myself "It isn't about me" and to try to blend in.

I see nothing wrong with middle class values. Sorry. I think they are just fine. I live by the rules generally. I try to stick to my own code of ethics. Be honest and forthright and try not to criticize (my biggest failing) and be modest and nice to others (again, a failing) and I do my civic duties.

There have been a few times when I was on the verge of stepping out from this comfortable stasis -- and almost every time I've self-sabotaged, which I can usually only see in hindsight.

I do think it is important that a person not overreach. Don't reach for something where you are going to be bad at it, not just for your own sake but for the sake of others who might be depending on you.  I'm not a Live For Today kind of guy. I don't think this makes me a coward, I think it makes me prudent.

Basically, success will come when it should come, and it should be organic, and it should feel comfortable.

I know all this runs counter to the American Way. I've often advised other business people to slow down, to not try to expand or duplicate too fast, but it always falls on deaf ears, because by God that's not how it's done!  

Fame and Fortune seems to be the ideal. Everything on TV and the Movies and Books and every other form of media pounds that message into us.

I'm more of a stoic. What you think of me is your business, not mine. I live by a set of standards, and it doesn't matter what the outside world thinks of that.

There is nothing wrong with being modest. Nothing wrong with living your life without fame and fortune. Fame and fortune would be a pain in the ass, frankly. (Well, maybe not the fortune.)

Not that any of that is likely anyway.

I'm currently taking a step which is a little outside my comfort zone. It probably won't succeed anyway, but I'm going to try. I'm going to attempt not to self-sabotage myself. I will take one step at a time, and if at any point it becomes something that doesn't fit my self-image, if I have to make too many compromises, I'll let it go.

I'm not saying it's overreach, per se, but it definitely takes me away from my comfortable middle-of-the-road-existence. Then again, it may turn out to be just that. Modest success.

Weirdly enough, that's kind of what I'm hoping for.