Typewriters were barbaric.

Typewriters were medieval torture machines, right up there with the iron maiden and the rack.

I'm at 40 thousand words in the rewrite of Sometimes a Dragon.  So I can almost see the top of the mountain from here.

This rewrite is a cold hard struggle.

I never want to have to do this again, frankly.  I'd better utilize my time by writing a new book.

Then again, I can't imagine that it will ever be this hard again, because every single book from now on will be digital, so I can go in and change what I need without having to type the entire book.

Put another way, it's hard to imagine now how hard it was to rewrite a book in the old days.  Now I can tinker forever without starting over, but back then I would have had to retype the whole manuscript if I made any major changes.  Let me shout that out:

I WOULD HAVE TO RETYPE THE WHOLE BOOK IF I MADE ANY CHANGES!!!

Barbaric.

Meanwhile, there has been one advantage from having to retype the whole book from beginning to end, but it doesn't come near to outweighing the disadvantages.

Writing it from beginning to end like this,  I'm finding that the continuity is a little clearer, which wouldn't  happen if I was just dipping into a digital version.

Still...no comparison.

Torture versus inconvenience.

Sometimes I just want some readable text.

Not to be holier than thou, for I am certain that I have lost many of you for not doing exactly the thing I'm about the bemoan here.

Putting some flash in my blog.  Some zip.  Some visuals.  Some links.  Some...

Well, there's the problem. There are no end of little additions that could be made.

One of my favorite sites, Big Picture, has just gotten all modern.  Lots of new look, lots of movement, lots of zip.

Yuch.

I try to go along with this.  I used to visit two comic news and review sites -- The Comics Reporter and The Beat.

The Beat fluffed up its page and basically I quit going there.  It wasn't conscious, I just didn't go there.

If I have to spend the first 30 seconds every time I visit a site just to orient myself, then that's too much.  Because that 30 seconds keeps getting repeated anywhere I navigate.

The push is from the tech guys -- the promotions guys.  No doubt, it's to get younger, get hip.

But for me, it's get so busy you push yourself right off the page.

The number of sites I can go to that have both up to date information and interesting content -- but don't gussy it all up with video and streaming and links and no end of clutter, are getting fewer and fewer.

I was advised to have a "professional" writers website set up.  So I visited some professional writers websites -- or at least, I tried to.  They were so utterly busy, I didn't know where to start.  Instead of simple list of books, for instance, one of them had this sort of spinning screen.  Catch the titles as they go by!

Again, yuck. 

The noise to signal ratio just keeps going up and up and up.

Hey, quick cutting is and shaky cameras are cool at first.  Once in a while.  As an accent.

But all the time gets old.

Sometimes I just want to see some nice readable text.

Nostalgia for a time that never existed.

I want to imbue Sometimes a Dragon with a sense of nostalgia.

I've mentioned that the theme is memory -- and nostalgia is a part of that.   When I think about Lord of the Rings or Narnia, they are suffused with a sense of nostalgia.  Times were magical in the past Middle Earth.  In Narnia,  as the kids grow up they forget the magical lands they once visited.

So how do you infuse nostalgia?

One, you can be direct.  That's what, "Once upon a time" does.  That's what "Long ago and far away" does.

Secondly, I'd think you'd do it by having the characters be nostalgic.

Three, you try to show how glimmering and mythical the past was, through memory.  And well, through evocative writing.

How else?

It can't be too direct.  Nostalgia is a soft feeling, fuzzy, warm.  It can't be forced.

Anyway, that's the direction my thoughts are taking.

I can't tell.

Here's the truth of it.  I can't tell if I'm any good or not.  I can't tell if I'm getting any better or not.   I can't tell if a story is working or not.

I just keep writing away.  It does seem like I'm getting better, but I can't tell.  It's getting both easier and harder.  I don't sweat the small stuff as much, and I sweat the big stuff more.

The irony is, the more I write, the less I can tell.  It's all one big canvass now.  I just keep writing on it.

I'm stuck in rewrite land, but even there I'm doing some creating.  I'm making improvements, I'm pretty sure.  It isn't like when I used to wonder if what I was doing is actually helping or hurting.   I'm presuming that it's helping -- to the point that I'm simply changing things to the latest version.  Unless I feel like I've gone completely off track.

Sometimes a Dragon is a good example.  When I finished it, I thought it was pretty good.  No, better than that.  Then I realized it might have some structural problems -- too constipated at the beginning, too light and sappy in the middle.  I realized the 'style' might be a problem.

But I still had very fond memories of it.

So in the rewrite, I have found all the above problems.  But worse, the story didn't work by my own standards.  That is, even I was off put by the distancing style, even I was lost in the muddle of the plot, even I was overwhelmed by the sappiness of the love story.

So how can I trust myself?  Here again, I think it's good. But what if I've merely changed it?

Time and distance is the only real solution.  Maybe because I've written so much, I can actually use this to my advantage.  Keep writing, and at some point I can go back and check what I've written.

I'd like to believe that I can "fix" all these stories, make them good.

But I don't want to spend all my time on old stories, instead of new.

So I'm going to get Sometimes a Dragon in digital form, as good as I can currently make it, and then I think I need to get on to something new.

Despite the work that still needs to be done on Deviltree, on Nearly Human, and on Sometimes a Dragon.  (As well as getting Star Axe and Snowcastles ready, and Icetowers.)

 I shouldn't lose this momentum.

So no matter what, it's time to get a new book going.

It's not like the world is waiting.  I've got two books out there right now that no one is paying the slightest attention to.

I'm beginning to believe that Sometimes a Dragon may be something new -- a book that I like that no on else does, but which I don't want to change.  That is, I like it the way it is, even if no one else does.

Which is perfect for the internet, when you think about it.  But you have to take a stand sometimes, I think.  And I think Sometimes a Dragon just has too many weird elements to catch on, but it's the weird elements I like.

So I will accept the current judgment and await future developments...

Another word for freedom, is nothing left to lose.

What if you wrote a perfectly good book -- that no one wants to read?

I was working on Sometimes a Dragon all day yesterday.  It appears I have finally broken through the logjam.

Later in the evening I sat back with a glass of wine and started browsing through the manuscript.

Something occurred to me that I don't think I'd ever thought before: What if a book is a perfectly good book and no one wants to read it?

What I mean by a perfectly good book is that it is true to itself, well done for what it is trying to accomplish, and satisfying to me.

It really does open up the whole question of what is good and what isn't.  Whether people reading it is the standard to which I ought to strive, or whether people liking it, or whether a book can be finished to my satisfaction, but in such a way that I know it won't be read.  Either because it seems different, or because there is something about it that is off-putting.

Generally, I operate under the assumption that if I like it, other people will like it.  Usually, I don't think that will be a problem.  I think of myself as pretty "middle-brow" in my tastes, so usually my tastes and the tastes of the average reader are going to overlap -- I assume.

I'm not saying that what I'm writing is so great that no one understands it, or so experimental, or groundbreakingly different.

Just that it might have just enough things in it that appeal to me, but don't appeal to others.

It's been known to happen.

I'm trying to not let this be an excuse for a bad book, or me not trying.  The book has to fulfill it's full dimensions on its own terms. 

But for the first time, I realizing those dimensions may be outside the what other people want to read.

Like I said, I don't think I'm an outsider artist.  But even so, I suppose occasionally just in pursuit of my inclinations, I'm going to write stuff that is outsider.

Of course, everything I write may end up being outsider in the since of not being read -- but that's different.

What do writers get paid?

There's an article over on Salon entited, "My Amazon Best-Seller Made Me Nothing."

The gist of the story is that most writers don't make money.  Even well-known writers.  The money they make is much less than anyone is willing to admit.

They talk about a $5000 advance from major publisher by a well-established writer as being standard.  (Which, if I remember rightly, isn't all that much better than it was 30 years ago.)

What was disheartening, as usual, were the comments, which amounted to -- 'Well, you must be some kind of loser because I happen to know that so-and-so (let's say Stephen King) made a gazillion dollars!'

They also talked about how it is nearly impossible to know if you're getting accurate accounts of what's selling -- which was also a big surprise to me 30 years ago.  I didn't think of publishing as a potentially shady business.

The more I knew about publishing, the less attractive it seemed. Going into it, I was completely ignorant.  And Ignorance was Bliss.

This isn't sour grapes.  It's just the way things are.

 But it certainly factored in my decision to skip the whole process and put stuff up online.


Searching for Sugar-songs.

It was fun to watch Searching for Sugarman with Linda, because she didn't know the story.  I kept watching her out of the corner of my eyes.



SPOILERS -- Implied.



She immediately bought both albums and has been listening to them ever since.  She likes 'story' songs, so he's right up her alley.

He does improve with time -- I found him about six months ago, listened to him for about a week.  Coming back to it, they don't grow old, but seem to gain added depth.

Nevertheless, it's pretty silly to compare him to Dylan, for instance.  Dylan and the Beatles are the pantheon to me, and everyone else are mere mortals.

I mean, he didn't deserve to be dismissed the way he was -- but his music is certainly getting recognition now.

Suppose he'd had huge success back then  -- he'd probably be nothing but a nostalgia act now.  Not that having a little money and recognition would have been so bad.  Still, this is one of those times when deprivation actually did seem to add character.

If I don't plan, then I need to be prepared to rewrite.

So if I don't like planning and outlining -- and at the same time, I dislike rewriting, where's that leave me?

Getting it right the first time?

How probable is that?

When I came back to writing, I started off with the wrong tone, the wrong theme, the wrong characters, the wrong everything.  I had to go back and fix it.  Nearly Human will end up being a good book, I hope, but only after much surgery.

Having it be digital makes rewriting easier, I admit.  With Sometimes a Dragon I'm working off a hard copy and it requires lots of typing.  10 minutes of typing to get to 5 minutes of creative reworking.  I'm having a really hard time with the 10 minutes of typing between every creative decision.

When I started The Reluctant Wizard I had a general theme in mind, and an analog plot -- my own early teenage years.  But when I finished, I realized I had nowhere near enough action going on.  Fortunately, in this case, I was able to come up with a parallel plot that fit the story well and didn't disrupt the original story much.

When I did Freedy Filkins, I had a template in The Hobbit.  As it turned out, a very rough and distant template, but nevertheless, it required very little rewriting.

By the time I got to The Death of an Immortal, I had absorbed a lot of lessons.

For instance, in the second chapter I realized that the tone of the first chapter was all wrong.  I had to go back and cut some very clever and snarky dialogue --because it didn't match the character and tone I was trying to present.  With Nearly Human, I didn't learn this lesson until maybe the fourth rewrite.

Then about the third chapter, I realized that by having a vampire who refused to kill, I was going to have a very boring plot.  I needed to bring in another vampire to be the bad guy, to create all the action.

I also decided early on the theme of the story, and that guided the plot in many ways.

I realized early on that I was going to have a hard time with two elements of the plot: 

1.) Making the main character a good guy and truly repentant even though he kills someone in the first paragraph of the story.

2.) Making the sister of the murdered character truly forgive the main character.

Again, because I recognized early that I need to address those issues, the plot was directed in certain directions.

So, yes, I think through trial and error, I'm learning what I need to accomplish in the first draft.

However I still need to be patient and rewrite, most of the time.  I'm also coming around to the notion of planning the plot a little more than in the past.  I caught the problems with The Death of an Immortal early, but I can't always be sure I'll do that.

I'll need to do all three things from now on.

Plan and outline.

Try to get it right the first time.

Be patient and rewrite.

Waking up with poetic words. Subconscious is saying "Write, dammit!"

I wish I liked rewriting more.

I mean, some onerous tasks aren't that hard for me.  For instance, I could see how making my monthly orders for the store might be hard, but I kind of like it.

But I'd much rather write something new than sweat over an existing manuscript.

Anyway, I'm putting my hard copy of Sometimes a Dragon into digital, and rewriting it while I'm at it.  Ironically, the first half of the book, which I radically cut and rewrote, was fun to do.  Probably because it was a lot like writing a first draft.

The second half of the book which doesn't require major changes, just a change of tone, is more like typing and I'm finding it agonizing.  I thought I'd do it in easy installments, but I'm getting bogged down.

I woke up this morning with poetic words churning through my mind -- the beginnings of a poem perhaps, something creative.  Phrases like, "crumpled water" and "divvied air" and "mangled air."

What that says to me, is that my subconscious is trying to get my attention.  It's shouting -- "Write something, anything!"

So I'm going to do what I'd hoped to avoid.  I'm going to push the rewrite of Sometimes a Dragon and finish it in as short of time as possible.  This will be work -- this will be ditch digging.  This will be pulling weeds.  This will be sweaty ugly work.

But it's got to be done, so I can move on...

DEATH OF AN IMMORTAL 6.


CHAPTER 6.


In the morning, Terrill looked up Howe in the phone book.  None were listed.  He went to the motel lobby and logged on to the computer there. That was a little more helpful, but when he called the Howe(s) listed, none recognized the names Jamie Lee.
Had she written a false name after all?  No, he was certain from the familiar way she wrote, the way she had hesitated in the middle and then shrugged as if catching herself in the mistake, that she had written her real name.
He put in the first names, Jamie Lee and added Bend, Oregon.  Up popped, Jamie Lee Hardaway, Bend High School, Class of 2010.   He looked up Hardaway, and there was only one family listed.  He called the number and asked for Jamie and an older man answered with a whisky and cigarette smoking voice, "She isn't here.  Can I take a message?"
He hung up.  They hadn't heard yet.  He was going to have to wait.  It wasn't something he thought he should be the one to do -- "Hello.   Your daughter is dead.  I killed her."
Which just brought out how insane this was.
What did he think he was going to accomplish?  Was he just curious?  Or did he want to make amends?  How could he make up for what he'd done?  Did he want forgiveness?  Could he confess and still escape?  What good would it do?
He didn't know.  But he had to try.

"Do you have family?  I mean, of course you have family -- but do you keep in touch?"
"My family is all gone." His tone didn't invite further discussion, but the endearing thing about this girl is that she overrode such considerations.  She went right for the emotional heart of things.  Terrill found himself responding to her candidness, despite himself.
"I'm sorry," Jamie said.  "I've got a really complicated family.  My Mom's been married five times.  My last name is my father's, who was her fourth husband.  I have four stepsisters and six stepbrothers.  I grew up with too much family, too far away.  My little sister from Mom's last marriage and I are close, though."
Terrill didn't answer at first, though her silence was inviting a response.   He barely remembered his real family, peasants who had kicked him out when he was twelve to make his own way in the world. If he had ever had a family, they were the vampires who had created him, who had taught him the ways so that he wouldn't be found out the first time he fed.  Who had protected him and traveled with him.  Not out of the goodness of their hearts, but because they had learned that a clan of vampires survived better than a vampire who was alone.
Still, he'd come to know them.  To -- if not love them, at least to become familiar with their ways. 
Either way, the answer was the same.  They were all dead. 
Except for one.  One who was -- his brother.  Yes, 'brother’ was probably the best way to describe Horsham.  A brother -- and a mortal enemy.  Mortal for one of them if ever they should meet again.  Terrill didn't want that.  He'd flown rather than kill his 'brother.'  
Horsham was still out there.  Still hunting for him.  There had been those hired humans over the years who had tracked Terrill down, and even though he had fed on them before they could report his whereabouts, it was confirmation that Horsham had not forgotten or forgiven.
"I have a brother.  But we are estranged.”
"Don't give up!" she exclaimed.  "If he's still alive, you ought to get back together.  Really!"
"I don't think he'd like that."
"But you don't know that, for sure.  How long has it been?"
"Years and years," he answered.  Fifty-three years to be exact.
"See?  Maybe things have changed."  
She cuddled up to him, ran her fingers across his chest, and then down his body.  "Again?" he muttered.
"Yes, please," she said, kissing his neck.
This girl was an earth mother, he thought. Nurturing, loving.  What was she doing here?  Why was she with a stranger?  What was her real story?
Maybe he should try to contact Horsham.  Try to make peace.
Even as he thought it, even as he fell into Jamie's arms, he knew that girl's spell was an illusion, that such a thought would never stand the light of day.  That it would burst into flame when exposed to sunlight just as surely as his own body would.  
He wished he had her naivety again.  Her innocence.  But he was too old by centuries to fall for such foolishness.  
Such a beautiful girl.  She needed to go home to her family.  He would make sure of it, he decided.  In the morning, he would give her enough money to go home and choose a different lifestyle.  Such a pure spirit must not be smothered by the sins of the big city.
Those were his last thoughts before falling asleep.
Before waking up to an empty mirror and that terrible, deadly hunger.

He waited until nightfall before venturing out and reached the bank by 5:45.  He made sure that his accounts were at a bank that was open until 6:00 everyday, though he did most of his banking online.  At the bank, he withdrew five hundred thousand dollars in a cashier's check, causing a bit of stir.  The manager tried to act like it was all in a day’s business, but the young clerks stared at him with interest.
It couldn’t be helped.
Terrill had all the money he could ever need.  Horsham had a saying, "Compound interest is a vampire's best friend."  Amazing how much money he'd accrued over the last few centuries.
He walked one block over and opened another account, (again getting curious glances) and asked for some blank checks.  He found a printer still open, and had the name "Prestigious Insurance" printed on top of the blank checks.  Then he went back to his motel and ordered a delivery from the butcher shop.
Out of curiosity, he called the Hardaway number again.  He got a busy signal.  An hour later it was still busy, and from that he deduced that Jamie's death had been reported and the Hardaway's were busy dealing with the consequences. 
He tried to stay in the motel, but he wasn't the slightest bit sleepy.  T.V. was all sitcoms and reality shows and they bored him.  He hadn't thought to bring a book. 
At about midnight, he ventured out, on foot.
There was a public park, Pioneer Park, along the Deschutes River, a few blocks from the motel.   It wasn't lit, except by the lights over the bridge on one side. 
Despite the cold, there was a couple making love under some blankets down by the riverside.  No one could have seen them, though they might have heard the soft exclamations.
Terrill could see them clearly.  The night was lit up for him more than daylight was for humans.  He could see every blade of grass, every goose turd that littered the park, the individual hairs on the heads of the lovers.  He could see under their skins, to the blood beneath, running like the branches of a tree, flowing to ever-smaller capillaries.  
The blood called to him.  They couldn't see him or hear him, he knew.  He was for all intents and purposes invisible to the human eye.  He was a ghost, a monster of the dark -- a vampire.   He stood over them and watched their slow movements become frenzied, their blood engorged.
Once he would've waited for the climax and then have fallen upon them and ripped them to small pieces, consuming their blood, their flesh.  And then, as casually as a diner throwing his meal away, he would have tossed the bloody bones into the river.
He walked away.  
He found himself back at the motel without consciously thinking of it.  He lay on the bed, staring into the bright darkness.    
Before, he could always rationalize killing humans who he decided deserved to die.  Then Mary had come along and changed him.  Now another woman had entered his life for a short time, and again, he had killed without wanting to.
He would never kill again, no matter what.
Not now.
Not after Jamie.  She hadn't deserved it -- she was the last person who deserved it, but because of that, because of her goodness, he was done killing, forever.


Outside leaking in.

I've been feeling overly exposed to the internet, to my need to talk about my books, and so on.  I wrote this yesterday morning when I woke up:

"It was as if he'd been closed in a house, curtains closed, machines off.  Someone came along and opened the windows and turned on the T.V. and the laptop.  Nothing had changed really, except the nagging feeling that the outside world was leaking in.

The more the outside world intruded, the more he retreated inside himself.  There was a barrier, a barrier that could not be crossed --  the sense he had of himself began to melt, as if exposed to acid rain."

I need to scale it back, get centered again.  Not check the internet so often.  Maybe once in the morning and once at night, something like that.  Also, not care.

I need to get self-contained again.

As far as success and failure is concerned,  it ain't over until it's over.  It may be somewhat naive of me, but really, I've always had some measure of success when I apply myself.

If I work hard at something and I gauge it to be good, most often there is a response.  In fact, I'm having a hard time thinking of a time when that hasn't worked out.

So I'm going forward with the assumption that if I work hard, do a good job, that eventually something will happen.

Hard work, skill and perseverance.

If nothing else, they are their own rewards. Or they may lead to unintended benefits.  But in the end, it is the only way forward.

For it to work, though, it needs to be from the inside-out -- that's the way I've always approached things.  Outside-in efforts never quite work out.  I'm better off listening to my own needs and instincts and at just constantly applying myself to the task at hand.

Maybe the word I'm looking for is -- stubborn. 

This is a paper and pencil effort in some ways.  Candle lit cabin in the woods.  That kind of thing.  Closing the curtains and turning off the machines so I'm alone in my own head with my own thoughts and my own story.

There is no audience -- for now -- there is only me.

The "extra" is fun.

Some of the big stores in the big cities are talking on the comics retailer forum about huge increase in sales this year.  Well, I'm not seeing it.  Still, it's a hopeful sign, because I've found in the past that big trends filter down to me three to six months later.  We don't live in a vacuum, just a little pocket at the end of the bubble.

Sales are down this year, but it is all according to plan.  Well, it would have been nice to have sales increase despite my plan, but I sort of expected it not to happen.

The usual pattern in this store is that I slowly lose money over the first six months of the year, then use the summer profits to catch up on taxes, slowly lose money in the fall, and pay off debt at Christmas.  If I'm lucky, I'll break even, if not I carry a little debt into the next year.

And the next and the next.

So I wanted to see if I could avoid debt this first half of the year, and I knew I'd probably be trading sales for profits.  Profits are what count.

What usually happens in this scenario, though, is that I may cut 20% in orders, and drop 15% in sales and so I end up with no debt but lower sales. This is versus spending 20% more than I should, and having sales maybe rise 10% and slowly bleeding money.

So I'm trying to avoid the latter.   I only dare do this because the store is already so healthy that I don't think it hurts.  No one can accuse us of not having inventory.

It means not buying the "extra", basically.

I love the "extra."  The "extra" is fun.

But it is, bottomline, "extra."



DEATH OF AN IMMORTAL (5)

-->
CHAPTER 5.


In London, England, Horsham awoke at dusk, on the second.  As the last rays of sunlight disappeared, he opened his eyes.  There was a soft sound in the other room, and his fangs immediately grew, his face elongated, his claws dug into the mattress.  He leapt off the bed and was at the door in moments.  He stopped.  Took a breath.  No!  Rule #3:  ‘Never feed in your domain.’  Take hold of yourself!
He was gripping the doorknob so hard, it crumpled in his hands.  Saliva dripped from his jaws to the floor, but he pulled his fangs back in.  He rolled his shoulders, trying to relax them, looked down at his claws and turned them back into human hands.
The servant girl on the other side turned when the door opened.  Her fabled master, who she had never personally seen, came in wearing a thick bathrobe, his dark hair tousled, and an even darker look on his face.   
“You are never to be here when I awake.  Get out!”
She paled, as if realizing how close to danger she was in. 
“I’m sorry.  The paperboy was late today, so….”
“Get out!”
“Yes, sir.  Right away.”  She nearly ran across the room and closed the door behind her.
Normally, the coffee and morning newspaper were waiting in the kitchen when he woke up at dusk.  The servants and guards who protected him throughout the day were gone -- for their own protection.  Sometimes he couldn't help himself when he first woke up.  At that vulnerable moment, his hunger was always at its strongest and most instinctual.
He sat and drank the coffee in three gulps, glanced at the paper and threw it aside.
He walked to his desk and turned on the laptop.  The Internet was the Wonder of the Ages.  Take it from someone who, although he was a little fuzzy about computers, certainly knew the Ages. 
For generations Horsham had hired cadres of young women to scan the world's newspapers for stories.  He'd spent hours every week reading the stories that had met the parameters.   As the decades went by without Terrill being found, the parameters had widened.  Sometimes it seemed like reading the news was all he did.
Now?  All he had to do was turn on his computer. By the magic of algorithms, he got a complete and accurate readout of the world's news, gleaning only the most pertinent.  Even now he had to read for a steady half hour every morning because of all the bullshit people printed.  Garbage in, garbage out.
He was eight minutes into his daily routine when an item caught his eye.
Portland, Oregon.  A young woman was found murdered in a motel, drained of blood, with two puncture wounds to the neck.  A broken mirror lay nearby, and police theorized that the fragments had been used to kill her.  They didn't try to explain the missing blood.
There was a vampire story nearly every day, somewhere in the world.  But almost all gave too many details and almost always at least one of the details was wrong.  This, on the other hand, was a basic news item, with no unnecessary flourishes, and that made it interesting to Horsham.  Even the fact that the victim wasn’t consumed didn’t rule out Terrill.   He wasn’t acting like a normal vampire anymore; killing this girl had probably been unintentional.
Portland was a place a vampire might gravitate to, just as Horsham migrated to the rainy seasons in different parts of the world.
He deleted the rest of the stories, but left this one up, with a note to investigate further.
Then he got dressed and went out to feed.

 Europe was by far the best hunting grounds for a vampire: multiple jurisdictions within a few hours of each other.  In the U.S.A. with its Homeland Security measures it was getting difficult to find prey in without attracting notice.
Horsham employed a random generator, and today the program had spit out the Highlands of Scotland.  It was a five hundred mile trip from London.  He hesitated.  He could overrule the random generator, but he preferred not to.  He also preferred not to leave of record of where he traveled, or he could have taken his private jet.
He only needed to feed once a month, so a two-day trip to the Highlands of Scotland wasn't out of line.  He needed a vacation.  He certainly could afford it.  Compound interest was an immortal vampire's best friend.
He bought a ticket with cash on the express train, luxury sleeper coach.  He stayed out of the public gathering spots on the train for the first couple hundred miles, ordering his meals delivered.  Raw steak, as raw as the law would allow.  His hunger for blood was growing with every second, and now that it was about to be satiated, the urgency seemed to grow exponentially.
He'd held off for months this time, trying to instill discipline in himself.  But he didn't want to wait too long -- he had a theory that the longer he waited, the weaker he became.  Being discovered -- and having to move, reinvent himself yet again -- was less of a danger than being weak.  Weak got you killed.
That's why he'd been certain that he could track Terrill down.  Terrill couldn't afford to be weak.  At first, Horsham thought it would be a matter of days -- then weeks, months, years, decades.  Occasionally, his old enemy would slip up, but by the time Horsham arrived on the scene, Terrill had moved on.
And then, for the last two decades, nothing.  No news.  Other lesser vampires were at work in the world, but Horsham could sense that they weren't Terrill.  Sloppy and self-indulgent, these vampires were often caught and destroyed.
Terrill and Horsham were the last of the old breed.
Eventually, it would be only Horsham.

As night fell, he made he way to the dining car. 
They all looked up when he entered the car -- of course they did.  He was a striking figure.  Six foot four inches tall, solid black hair and dark eyes, with a silvered goatee. (The silver was added.)  Dressed formally, almost last century, vest and boutonniere.  Rich man affectations.
Most everyone else was in shorts and t-shirts, even the well-off among them.  He looked around for young and unattached people -- men or women, it didn't matter to him as long as their blood was healthy.  It was habit; he had no intention of feeding where he had been seen.
There was a gay couple in the car and both men eyed him.  Three tables of old couples, and one young family.  There was single female, better dressed than the other women and far better looking than the matronly American tourists.  A working girl, he surmised.
He sat down, ignoring them, waving off the menu and ordering another raw steak, no salad, a baked potato and green beans, which he wouldn't eat but would push around the plate like a six year old child.  The proximity of so much human blood was almost too much, but he didn't show his growing hunger.
He ate the steak slowly, though he wanted to eat it in one bite, grab the nearest diner and feast on him or her and then the rest of them.  Short work.  No witnesses.  He could leap off the train at speeds that would kill a man.  It would be a mystery, another mass murderer in the headlines.
A shadow fell over him, and he wasn't surprised when he looked up to see the single female.  She was new at the game, her blood hadn't yet been ravaged by disease.  She smelled like the finest meal possible.
He didn't smile at her, but simply raised one eyebrow.
"May I join you?" she said, and her voice was low and seductive.  She'd spent hours cultivating that voice in front of a mirror, he surmised.
Why not?  He could smell her, if not taste.  She was beautiful as well, red haired and heavily freckled, with deep green eyes and a formal blue dress.  He could eat her up.  No really, he could eat her up.
He smiled to himself, and she took it as an invitation and swooshed into the seat opposite him.
He took his empty water glass and filled it from the wine carafe and handed it to her.
"Thank you, kind sir."
They talked, about nothing:  Weather, school, the idiot Americans -- raising their voices slightly so that they could be overheard.  It was fun, but Horsham’s bloodlust was rising along with his horniness.
He knew himself.  He wouldn't be able to satiate the one need without satiating the other. There were just too many witnesses.
He paid for the meal, and peeled off another hundred and laid it in front of her.  "Thanks for the company."
"The night is young," she said.
He was already shaking his head.  "I have an early day tomorrow.  Again...thanks for the company.  Have a good night."
As he got up, her hand landed on his arm.  "For what you just paid me I could..."
He snarled at her.  Like a dog -- no, a wolf.  He couldn't help himself.  He turned away at the last second as his fangs extended, so at least no one saw that.  But everyone heard the snarl -- everyone's hair had probably stood on end at the primal sound.
He walked away without turning. 
He didn’t sleep that night, expecting them to storm his cabin and put an end to him.

The next day, when the train arrived in the Highlands, he was exhausted and hungry and angry.  He rented a car, headed into the bright green slopes and valleys and fell upon the first couple he saw:  Americans, on bikes, wearing the ridiculous spandex.  He took great satisfaction in devouring them, leaving only the broken bones.  He felt newly alive, and strength surged through him.  He expended some of this new energy by piling so many rocks on the bones it would take an ambitious and curious person to dig down under.  These days, that hardly happened.
He drove the rented car back to London.
Last night had been too close.  He'd almost given himself away. 
Next time, he wouldn't wait so long to feed.  It had been an experiment.  If Terrill could resist for decades, surely he could resist for a few months.
Let Terrill be a fool.  No doubt it had to do with his qualms about killing people.  It didn't show greater discipline -- it showed weakness.
Horsham would feed when he wanted -- a vampire was meant to prey on the weaker.  It was his nature.  

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/289646

Just get it in digital form.....

Took the first few chapters of the revamped Sometimes a Dragon to writer's group last night, and it seemed to pass muster.

Linda really liked it.  I love that reaction I get from her sometimes.  Thank god for Linda.  I have two things that really sustain me -- one is that I actually did get published once so I must not be completely delusional and the other is that Linda let's me know and I think she has good taste.  So that's vastly reassuring.

It read really well.  Just flowed.  It still has a bit more style than most things I write -- I'm much more straightforward nowadays, but it wasn't off putting, like before.

Even the questions they had were well within the range of questions I was willing not to answer. 

I'm really Feeling this book, rather than Thinking this book.  Look for subconscious answers to problems, instead of logical answers.

It is, in other words, still the book I want to write MY way and damn the consequences.

Though, at the same time, I do want it to be readable.

All of which is good because I'm having trouble with the second half of the book.  I'm bored with it, and that can't be a good sign.  But it's also requiring less creativity and more typing, which is probably not bad.

My main goal is to just get it down on digital so I can play with it.

Advice to a writer's group newbie.

I hope you don't mind me suggesting some things. I've belonged to a writer's group for 30 years now, about half of those years very active.

I've also been in other writer's groups that I didn't like, either because they were too 'social' (not enough real work done) or too snobby (only 'literary' counts.)

First of all, we go into these things hoping we'll get rave reviews, even if we don't know it. Not only don't we usually get rave reviews, normally, but they find plenty of things wrong.

That's just natural.

After all, that's what you are there for.

So keep your expectations low. Expect criticism.

Secondly, until you know what people in the group are like, you won't really know how valid their criticisms are, how much are personal baggage or pet peeves or simply wrong-headedness.

Third, people are follow the leader in these groups. They tend to repeat what a previous person said, which doesn't mean it's right.

Fourth, people also tend to contradict each other, so that you can come out of a group getting conflicting messages. So, again, you have to figure out which criticisms is grounded, and which is either too harsh, or -- on the other hand -- a muddling of legitimate critique.

People think they are saving your feelings, but instead, sometimes the message just gets watered down.

Fifth, if the message doesn't get watered down, and it seems to be a consensus, then that's what you should take away. Doesn't mean they're right, but it's more likely.

Sixth, they could all be wrong. They could all be too easy. They could all be too harsh. It's a continuum.

Seventh, they could all be right but that doesn't mean what you've written is bad -- maybe it just needs to be changed.

Also, don't get defensive. Just inwardly take what seems right and accept it -- and reject what seems wrong.

Eighth, don't be like all "I meant it this way." That's no excuse. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

Ninth, use the group as a TOOL: take from it what you can, reject what isn't useful.

Tenth, no matter what they say, just remind yourself that it isn't finished. Things are often the most messy just before you get it all together.

What a muddle.

I find myself unable to completely embraced the connected world, and unwilling to completely reject it.

I'm somewhere in the muddle middle, swinging back and forth.

For example, I got caught up in Reddit for awhile.  I'd go there right after I'd checked my usual spots or whenever I wanted to 'waste' some time.  Then I stumbled on that decapitation video and it creeped me out so much I've never been back.

The excuse to get out from under the immense flow.

Facebook newsfeed is full of little memes and tropes; but they're the same memes and tropes that are in Reddit or Youtube, just one step removed, and chosen idiosyncratically.

If linking other material can ever truly be idosyncratic.

I have a couple dozen sites I visit everyday.  They aren't all that different from hundreds of other sites I could visit, just chosen because they had slight variations that I like just a little bit more.

I like keeping in touch with nephews and nieces and old friends -- or at least overhearing (over-looking?) their activities.  I like the interactions with other people, when they happen.  It's probably better than the isolation that my lonerhood usually creates.

But I wasn't unhappy in my lonerhood.  Occasionally, I'd question my choices, knowing that it's a dangerous location -- I could get very isolated very fast if things went wrong.  But things haven't gone wrong, and I get enough exposure to others to ward off most the weirdness that comes from being a loner.  I recognize that I might get very isolated in my last years, but it doesn't really scare me.  I'm more or less happy in my own head, with my books and movies and my thoughts.

But is being connected really all that much better?  I'm not sure.  Like I said, on a scale of 1 - 10, I'm probably connected at about a 3 or a 4 compared to most younger people, maybe a 5 or 6 compared to people my age. 

Or maybe not.  Maybe people my age are more connected -- just as they are more socially oriented.

This whole writing thing has me wondering.  What was I doing with my time before writing?  Not putting it to much use, I have to believe.  

So I feel like I'm in the muddled middle.  Neither truly embracing this Twitter, Reddit, Blogger, Facebook life. (Well, maybe Blogger).  Nor able to make a clean break from it, which is a philosophically attractive choice, except -- what am I doing really, cutting myself off from information and insight and others?

I suppose if what connectivity I have was being used to replace real social connectivity, it might be a bad thing.  But for me, it's in addition to what I'd normally do, so I have to believe it's a good thing.

Even if it does feel muddled.


My dabble book.

I'm having a strange personal reaction to Sometimes a Dragon.

On one hand, I can't seem to get fully engaged in it.  I can't seem to commit to really getting it done.

On the other hand, I play around with it a lot, I think about it even more.  I'm willing to expend lots of time just trying to imagine what it could be.  I'm feeling it, more than actualizing it --

Most of the time, I just want to finish a book once I start writing.  I don't like dabbling afterwords.  Do what's necessary, but no more.

With Sometimes a Dragon, I feel like I can dip into at any time, on any page, and find something to do with it.

Right now, I'm just trying to get the framework of the novel in digital form so I can work on it.  Rewriting as I go along.

As I mentioned before, I have a tendency to think I'll just go back and "fix" things later.  Problem is -- I'm not smarter or talented "later."  I'm the same guy.  Sure, I might be able to gain some perspective, I might be willing to make deeper changes because I'm not so enamored by my words -- but still...there is no magic pill that makes my writing suddenly better.

So the idea of just "playing" with a book is kind of new to me.

I think I believe, somehow, without much evidence, that this book has the capacity to carry more freight than the average story, more depth, more themes and symbolism and more of my subconscious-- than any other book I've written.  But that it will have to be done incrementally, little bits here and there.  Like touching up a painting.

Which, like I said, is completely different than my current form of working which is to immerse myself completely in a book and write it fast.

The original Sometimes a Dragon was a rebellion against the idea that I had to write a "commercial" book -- which is pretty crazy if you want to get published.  But that's what I wanted to do.  Write the book the way I wanted.

Somehow, this book, though much more readable in the form I've put it in this time, is also still a vehicle for doing things the way I want.  There's something there, and I'm going to get at it.

My own guesstimate is that it's twice as readable as before, and about halfway to being good.  

Creativity as a shy pet.

Finally finished The Story of Film, all fifteen episodes.  If you overlook the ridiculous political correctness of the narration, there were some interesting insights.

The last episode had the most valuable interview of all, with Jane Champion the director.

She talks about creative ideas, the subconscious, as being like a shy pet, that you have to coax out of its shell.  Let it know that it is safe, that it will be listened to and paid attention to, that it won't be squashed by noise and blunderbuss demands and it will offer its quiet idea if you are listening.   Tease the idea out, let it take shape.

She said it takes her three hours of just letting the idea try to emerge, little by little, and in the fourth hour it will bloom.

Well -- that's it exactly!   She explained it better than I ever could.

I spend much of the time when I'm writing in that sort of waiting state; saying to my subconscious, I know you're there, I know you have the answer, I'm not going anywhere and I'll welcome you when you're ready.

That state simply can't be maintained on a strict schedule -- fitting it in between work and social activities.  I have to give over my entire day; more than one day if I want the subconscious to really feel like it can divert all its energy to the "idea."

So sometimes it seems like nothing is happening in the creative process, when in reality everything is happening, it just isn't apparent.

Discovering the theme.

I discovered the theme to Sometimes a Dragon last night.

May seem strange that I can be in the middle of a rewrite of a book before I realize what the theme is, but it happens.

For instance, I realized after I was done that Snowcastles and Icetowers were basically fantasy versions of "Moses leading his people to the Promised Land."  Very clear in hindsight.

However, I think it's really more useful if you are pursuing the theme consciously while writing the book.  For instance, I pretty much knew that Death of an Immortal was about redemption from the beginning.

Anyway, 30 years ago, Sometimes a Dragon was about magic as a metaphor for writing; and about my love for Linda.

Now, I realize that either the focused has changed, or I've just discovered it.  Or maybe it's just my age speaking.

Now it's all about memory.  Memory lost and memory regained.  It's all through the book, from the top character to the bottom character, and much of the plot hinges on it.  When I talked about having the main antagonist having flashbacks go from current to past, in a sense his memories are going backward in time, and they become more vivid.  Meanwhile the main protagonist gains a girl, loses a girl, and regains the girl -- by the technique of losing his memory of her.  The main narrator is a shapeshifter who knows he was a powerful character once, but can't remember what he was.  Another major character tries to steal the central talisman and is struck down, losing his memory.  And so on, it's all through the book.  The sense of loss and nostalgia, and that the 'new' world needs to replace the 'old' world.

The precipitating events themselves -- the fall of the Eclipse and the darkness-- are like drawing a veil over the old world, which must be remembered before the future can go on.  Meanwhile, the world is caught in Twilight, in stasis.

Now that I know that, I can make it all a little more symmetric; balanced and poetic.  Lend meaning to little phrases and events.  I think that's what gives a book depth.

It may be all in my head, but it's something to try.


Do the easy, skip the hard.

I've mentioned before that I seem to have two modes of writing.

The first is like STAR AXE, which took 5 years and innumerable versions before I finally had a finished manuscript. 

The other is like SNOWCASTLES and ICETOWERS which came relatively easy and were more or less complete when I finished the first draft, with a few copy-edits.

NEARLY HUMAN, DEVILTREE, and SOMETIMES A DRAGON are like the first mode; FREEDY FILKINS, DEATH OF AN IMMORTAL, and THE RELUCTANT WIZARD are like the latter mode.

Obviously, I prefer the latter.

What I've decided, if I'm going to be so damned prolific, is to not do the first kind of book again, unless there is just something so valuable in the idea that it simply must be done.

Drop it.  Go to the second kind of book. 

I'm going to finish the books that are in the backlog right now.  I've already done lots of work on them, so I may as well finish.  These books often have a bit more density than the easy books, I'll admit that.  But my theory is that the more easy books I write, the more density they'll have.